Warning – if you are newly grieving the loss of a partner
this post may not be comfortable to read.
You may want to skip it and come back when more time has elapsed.
Remember, my grieving started October 28, 2008, the day of
Bill’s diagnosis of terminal cancer so I am basically almost 4 years into my
grieving process even though he passed away in 2011.
And, when you’re grieving, it truly does matter where you
are on the time elapsed continuum.
Labor Day Weekend
It’s Labor Day and a beautiful weekend. Lots of sun, a light breeze. Great time for doing outside work like
washing windows. Getting things ready
for the winter we all know is coming.
So out comes the ladder.
We bought one of the collapsible ladders when we moved to the house
however was something I had neglected to learn how to use at the time.
Note to self – tis great when one can read and understand
manufacturer’s instructions. Too bad
they didn’t mention where not to put one’s arms, hands and fingers when
extending and collapsing the ladder.
Ladder extended, windows washed, ladder collapsed and stored
again.
Outside work complete; only a bruise, some minor bleeding, Still have all my fingers and they all still
work. I am grateful I didn’t fall off
the ladder or break the window below the one I was trying to wash when the ladder tipped. Oops and good save. Whew.
Now for the inside of the windows.
And that’s when it hit me.
I have a lot of stuff inside my house.
I’m really not a hoarder.
If I’m honest, I’m more of an avoider.
And out of the blue this thought pops in my head that I need
to also divorce my late husband.
Whoa – where did that come?
I’m betting half of you just choked and the other half went ‘wow, that’s
harsh’.
But hang on before you close the blog. Stay with me here and let me explain.
I’ve been both divorced and widowed.
Both leave. You. ALONE.
And dealing with stuff. Lots of stuff. Some emotional, and some physical.
The key difference is with a divorce, the two of you agree
on the division of physical stuff. Well,
mostly agree, not that divorced couples can agree on much of anything, Probably
why we all got divorced.
In the world of “your stuff” (your partner’s), “our stuff”
and “my stuff”, you each generally keep what you brought into the marriage and
divide the “our stuff” into “your stuff” and “my stuff”.
And end up with two piles of stuff and each take theirs leaving you to deal only with only “your” physical stuff.
If along the way you choose to leave ‘stuff’ behind, you
forfeit said left behind stuff. The
other person gets to claim forfeited stuff as their stuff, or basically “your
forfeited stuff” becomes “my stuff.”
And I get to do what I want with my stuff without
guilt. Well, maybe a twinge of emotional guilt
now and again, but generally in a divorce there is more anger than guilt. So tis much easier to dispose of said stuff.
So, once again, at the end of the day, the only stuff left
for you to deal with is your stuff.
However, when you partner passes away, “their stuff”, “our
stuff” and “my stuff” end up being all “my stuff” by default, not forfeit.
Wow, and what an emotionally charged time it is trying to
work through the disposition of “their stuff” when everything takes on a huge
emotional life of its own.
It’s hard to let go of “their stuff” as each time you part
with something you feel like you are parting with a piece of them.
Most days I still can’t do it without my eyes leaking.
So I avoid dealing with it.
Until I try to wash windows from the inside and realize I
can’t get to them because of the all stuff I’ve avoided dealing with up to now.
For example, there’s an oscilloscope on the workbench (and
yes, I had to look up how to spell oscilloscope). What is that you ask – I also had to look up what it's used for – anyone with an electronic background would recognize it as something that
reads electronic signals.
So I haven’t used it in 18 months, and since I’m not in the
electrical field and never plan on getting into that profession, I have no
practical use for an oscilloscope.
So, from a practical standpoint, it should be an easy piece
of ‘stuff’ to part with.
Yes, one would think, but no, not quite that easy. I am close to crying trying to agree on
a price and in the end basically say take it, make it go away.
I realize I’ve gotten so used to seeing and avoiding his stuff. It’s just there. I dust it, store it, and move it from room to
room. But I don’t process it. The stuff quietly takes on a life of its own
just by being there.
I’ve come to appreciate not making a decision is also a
decision.
And by deciding to not process ‘the stuff' yet it’s another way that I keep
stuck in an emotional rut without ever being consciously aware of being stuck.
So that’s what I mean when I say it occurs to me that I have
to divorce my late husband. I really need
to separate my stuff from his stuff.
Maybe this will be easier if I look at all of ‘his stuff’ as
“forfeited stuff” and claim it as my own and make it ‘my stuff’.
It doesn’t mean that I have to get rid of everything. It means I have to claim what’s mine as mine,
not as it used to be his, now it’s mine.
It’s just mine. I just need to
stop holding onto his stuff from habit.
I have to let go in order of this stuff if I’m honest with myself
and want to make room for others.
Hopefully this makes sense now and not seem quite so harsh.
If not, I’ll use the excuse it’s another one of my musings from the
middle of the night with a full moon.
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